1. When you overestimate your abilities, you end up feeling shortchanged.
2. I’m swimming in the sea of life when I’d rather be on the shore sipping on a drink and watching the sunset.
3. I’m writing my pièce de résistance. I’ve struggled with it for so long that it will never stop fighting with me.
4. I’m determined to get something done today. Does drinking coffee count?
5. The tongue is mightier than the pen.
6. Seize the day! If you do, be prepared for a struggle.
7. If your dream has become a nightmare, it’s time for a new one.
8. The best way to attract real friends is to be real.
9. Why can’t “good afternoon” be “good beforeevening“?
10. Says the cream puff to the chocolate éclair: “Wow, this place is desserted.”
11. Warning: Ultraviolent rays have the ability to kill you.
12. Aerodramatic: The art of crying at the speed of flight.
13. I’m not sure if I’m more sardonic or sarcastic. Perhaps sardoncastic.
14. Don’t take wood for granite.
15. Overheard at a meeting of contortionists: “Be flexible!”
16. Never suggest a health condition is grave to someone who is terminally ill.
Holidays & Events
17. Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Since you’re in the green, I get the gold.
18. Beware the Ides of March,” said the soothsayer to Julius Caesar. His English was impeccable.
19. Beware, beware the Ides of March! Psst…what’s an ‘Ides’?
20. Heading into Super Tuesday, the polls showed that the new iPad is leading by a wide margin.
21. Happy Cinco de Marzo! Oh, wait, sorry. I’ll be back in a couple of months.
22. I forgot that yesterday was Leap Year and marched right past it.
23. European chocolates are delicious but too delectable to eat like candy.
24. Why aren’t there any books with the opening sentence, “It was a bright and calm morning?”
25. A guy walks into a bar. It was metal. It hurt.
26. My bed is calling. For some reason, it’s saying, “You have reached a non-working number. Please hang up and try again.”
27. Thank you for paying attention to me. However, my medium of exchange is cash.
28. You have reached a real person. If you feel you’ve reached me in error and prefer an automated system, contact 800-SPAM-BOT.
29. When food is revolting, does it rebel against you?
Intra-galactic Sophomoric Humor
30. Uranus is the most joked about planet in the solar system.
31. Earth stands between Mars and Venus to keep them from fighting.
32. The moon always moons the earth at night so that it won’t get caught.
33. The planetoid Makemake has a satellite called “Dodo.”
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